Email: Have you struggled with prioritising self, how to be mentally strong? (US)
“Setting boundaries is a good way of caring, building our mental strength. It doesn’t make us mean, selfish, uncaring” – Morgan
Too many questions on my own personal experiences, today?! In my 20’s-30s, simply couldn’t speak for self, both in moments of joy, pain. No idea boundary setting, self-love, honestly speaking up for self, were systemic issues many people struggle with.
Judged self mercilessly, powerless in a thick mesh of confusion. Thoughts of doing things to make self happy seemed alien, didn’t enter mind space. Low self-worth, undeserving.
I wish I’d known then what I know now. Boundary setting isn’t a simple box to check off our self-care list. Complicated matrix of issues related to one’s upbringing, socialisation. Most importantly, one’s relationship with self. Reassured self – you are not weak. You are not stupid. You are doing best you can. You are lovable. You have value.
We set boundaries to protect selves, but what are we protecting? A rich understanding of our own needs, desires, dreams, purpose, vision gives us firm sense of identity. When I didn’t have a clear sense of who I was, what I wanted, it was easy to let others define me, let others speak for me, prioritise others needs, joy from external sources.
All along the answers, strengths lay within. Stopped painfully disempowering self, seek validation from others. Often felt like a poor, dark shadow of self. Couldn’t expect others (parents, friends) to be my purpose for living, allow external success (winning awards), to be driving forces behind self gratification.
Meet our own fundamental needs:
How do we build an identity, fulfilment? What direction do we want our life to take? Answer all ‘what’s’ honestly. Built a list of ‘what I did know, I want’. Pursuing simple, small desires, learning to trust, take care of self. We must meet our fundamental needs, in order to build firm foundations of self-knowing.
Uncover our core identity:
With basic self-care, more vibrant desires surface. Richer social connections, meaningful bonds, passions like writing, dancing. Natural curiosity awakens, so does expansiveness. Possessed more skills I’d given self credit for! Valued personal freedom, self-expression, creativity, compassion, balance, playfulness. Wide-eyed, more able than shadow self.
Bring our authentic self to relationships:
An uncompromising commitment to inner-most self, authenticity. Boundary for self is working a muscle. Exhaustingly tough at first, eventually second nature. Productive at work, playful with others. Clearly communicate what I think, want, need, feel.
An ever evolving journey to self-respect. Have patience, compassion, self-love. “She’s now brave. Exposes self to natural elements. Risks being intimately seen, known, felt”.