Email: What’s the biggest darkness you’ve overcome? (Spain)
You’ve touched a sensitive nerve!
“Your pain is breaking of the shell that encloses your own understanding.”
15 years ago, felt everything needed to seem okay. When we’re known for our inner strength, no-one ever asks if we’re okay! Of course was so in control, resisted reality!
Faced trouble achieving emotional satisfaction or fulfilment in career, personal life. But, still I was always “okay“. Actually went great lengths to hide any signs, I wasn’t.
Kept very busy to avoid seeming lame by having nothing to do or perhaps to avoid the feelings that would come up, if I had nothing to do. If I felt insecure or dissatisfied with something, simply lied to cover it rather than acknowledge there was a real problem.
Felt pressured to pretend to be fine, as everyone else seemed to be fine. Uncomfortable feelings or emotions? Push it down and down, deny or ignore. I’m okay!
Essentially, came to believe that true feelings weren’t so acceptable or real.
It was incredibly lonely, a life on auto-pilot, just fitting in. Unable to connect deeply with self or anyone, defensive. Concealed real personality to be who I thought I should be.
Think all of us struggle to some degree. Weird habits and secrets we keep to self. We feel something is fundamentally wrong with us. If people saw our real self they wouldn’t like or reject us. So hide, run, act in ways we think we should act, to be okay.
Problem with being okay is that at some point we just can’t do it anymore.
Previous ‘me’ was like a house of cards. Never asserted desires, express expectations, needs or even had any idea what these truly were, vague visualisations or dreams.
Most important step – stopped, recognised, accepted when things were not okay. We can’t fix or change what we won’t genuinely acknowledge.
Slowly, steadily crawled out of my shell, like a crazy little crab! Feel free, expansive.
Had life not presented this chaos, wouldn’t have learnt or grown by facing all fears.
Before, operated from faulty assumptions that differences or unique qualities like honesty, sensitivity, compassion, emotions were terrible. Now, believe it’s a gift.
Love my light and dark, equally. Authentically accept ‘who I am‘, my self-worth and value. I’m precious!
Fully trust and believe intuitive self. Flow in faith and hope, miracles happen!